Congratulations on purchasing your new ShinyShine Superduperphone, and confirming your place in modern society.
We're sure it will give you great pleasure for the first two weeks of your extended two-year contract, then forever languish in the shadow of whatever we release in six months' time. Your friends will shun you, girls in pubs will refuse to look in your direction and then you'll leave it on the bus or something anyway.
Still, for now: kudos!
Along with the many great new features in the Superduperphone, you'll love how we've shaved a whole millimetre off the depth, letting you wear your tightest jeans without that unsightly phone bulge being quite so objectionable.
We've also increased the LCD screen size by 0.1 per cent and added an oleophobic coating so strong, your fingers can't even touch the new on-screen keyboard.
Finally, for a splash of futuristic charm, we've also remodelled the entire surface in our shiniest metals, and shrunk the antenna down to microscopic size, giving us more space for what really matters – our logo, cast in finest simulated silver.
Once you've realised that the Superduperphone doesn't actually do anything your old, inferior phone didn't, it's time to visit the Superduperphone Superdupermarket, where you can fill her up with all the gimmicky crap that stops being funny almost immediately.
Safety Warning: For best results, do not expose your Superduperphone to water, air or keys in your pocket. Your Superduperphone is designed for the life you wish you led, not the one where you just sit around staring at an overpriced piece of techno-crap and wondering why no one ever comes over to admire it like they do in the ads.
Do not open your Superduperphone in an attempt to siphon out the magic into another, cheaper phone. Do not feed your Superduperphone after midnight. Or indeed, at all.
We got you to sign a two-year contract for a device with a yearly product cycle, which proves we're smarter than you are.
For your protection, every Superduperphone now comes with our new Planned Obsolescence Technology, guaranteeing a slow collapse over the course of its life span that makes you almost, but not quite, just splash out another £500 for the sake of a broken headphone jack or scratched screen.
This makes it all the more satisfying when you finally upgrade to a model that actually works properly again, helping you to ignore how little work we've actually done in the meantime on meaningless trifles like making calls, sending texts or getting the Superduperphone to survive falls onto concrete. Or carpet.
Specifically, you're telling everyone that you're a person with a Superduperphone, spending a fortune on texts and minutes you never even use, already mentally preparing to go through exactly the same soul-crushing product cycle in another 24 months' time. And thinking how awesome it's going to be, of course.
News Source: www.techradar.com
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